my first blog

Rant!

2007-07-05T00:40:58+02:00

I'm not speaking to my Dad. His behaviour of late... shagging a 23-year-old, promising to stop seeing her, and then continuing to do so; manipulating everyone around him and playing people off against each other; clubbing together with my sister to tell me just how shit I am... is absolutely repulsive.

I appreciate that everyone who goes through a divorce will behave like a child, but he isn't even doing that. He's become a nasty, slimy character.

I went to dinner with him last week for my cousin's birthday. She works with him, so there were a number of work-related people there.

Dad spend the whole evening flirting with his friend's 19-year-old daughter, which I pulled him up on, teasingly, when we were alone. The next thing I know, his friend is making lewd comments at me. I really don't want to mix with people who think that this kind of behaviour is ok.

My sister has taken this on as her latest cause. She and Dad have always worked on the "Becca's fucked up; Becca's a constant disappointment; Becca's an embarrassment" principle together.

On Friday night, my Dad was being cagey about who he was with. On Saturday night, he turned up at midnight with my brother's school trunk and just dumped it in my room. I had a bratty outburst (outbursts are very very common in my family) of "Oh I can't wait to move to London and get out of here".

He sent me a text later that night saying how sad he was that he had raised someone so rude and ungrateful. It just drove me so mad that he'd made such a big thing over a stupid little outburst, that I responded saying it made me sad, his behaviour lately.

Basically a text argument ensued and I told him I didn't want to have anything to do with him.

He and my sister have now decided that I'm not speaking to him because I'm "embarrassed" about my behaviour that night. Noone will accept that it's because I'm horrified and upset by the way he's been acting lately.

My sister came into my room tonight to basically tell me that I was a useless waste of space, that my boyfriend was a prick (he's cooled off on being friendly toward her because he's angry with the way she's been treating me), and that Dad was livid with me for not speaking to him over the trunk. Oh my god!

Then she refused to leave my room when I said how I felt: that every conversation we have results in me feeling unhappy; that I wasn't interested in what she had to say.

I just can't bear to be around these people anymore. Everything is so seedy, and I'm made to feel like a leper for simply wanting people to be friendly, and respectful of each other's feelings and space.

There are 23 days left until I leave this house, and all I can do is lie as low as possible until it's over.

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Lyrics that hit me today...

2007-06-29T00:57:02+02:00

And it's only doubts that we're counting
On fingers broken long ago
I read with every broken heart we should become
More adventurous
And if you banish me from your profits
And if I get banished from the kingdom up above
I'd sacrifice money and heaven all for love
Let me be loved, let me be loved

And if my brain quits, well I guess then that's just it
And if my hands stop working you can call me lazy
And if I get pregnant, I guess I'll just have the baby
Let it be loved, let me be loved

I've been trying to nod my head, but it's like I've got a broken neck
Wanting to say I will as my last testament
For me to be saved and you to be brave
We don't have to walk down that aisle
'Cause if marriage ain't enough
Well at least we'll be loved

I felt the wind on my cheek coming down from the east
And thought about how we are all as numerous as leaves on trees
And maybe ours is the cause of all mankind
Give love to make more, try to stay alive

I've been trying to nod my head, but it's like I've got a broken neck
Wanting to say I will as my last testament
For you to be saved and me to be brave
We don't have to walk down that aisle
'Cause if marriage ain't enough
Well at least we'll be loved

Rilo Kiley.

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Five minute rant...

2007-06-26T22:56:22+02:00

My mother is driving me insane tonight. She has come into my room no less than 8 times, looking for something sweet to eat, knowing full well that I'm low-carbing and don't keep sweet stuff around.

She eventually homed in on my boyfriend's marshmallows, ran off with the packet, and then returned an hour later with three of them clutched in her hand, saying she couldn't eat anymore.

a) why the hell can't I just be left in peace?

b) she's the biggest binge-eater ever. How come she couldn't just bloody eat the last three?

c) why would I want three marshmallows, which had been all squashed in her hands?

I'm really counting down the days until 27 July, when I'm moving out!

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Later that day...

2007-05-27T00:03:01+02:00

Well, I just had a fabulously successful party! Ok, sales weren't the best, but I managed to sell off a considerable amount of my old stock - only cost was buying new Buzz Fresh Wipes!

Apparently, on my extremely drunken birthday, I told boyfriend's best friend that he may need to prepare a best man's speech within a year. This resulted in the most gentle chastising imaginable from boyfriend, who'd clearly had to fend off the interrogation for most of the evening.

Why can't I just shut up? What part of my brain told me that George would be remotely happy or supportive? If moving to London means we'll spend more time with him then what a fucking nightmare.

The last thing I need is someone convincing Patrick he shouldn't be with me. If that happened, I'd be back on the downward spiral without a doubt. Yeah he'd be better off with someone sane, but wasn't I yelling that at him that night?

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I can't fucking cope

2007-05-26T13:38:58+02:00

My sister almost ran me over last night. I thought she was actually going to do it. Mum was heading off to see the boyfriend, again, and Ellie announced that she would follow Mum wherever she went and embarrass her. Mum employed my help to try and talk some sense into her, but she refused to talk to me and, when I stood in front of the car, drove it into me.

Boyfriend is only support through all this, but he has finals next week, then I have finals, then we're going on holiday separately and not seeing each other for two weeks. I'm desperately trying not to be a drain on him but I'm like the human leech at the moment, and there really is noone else I can talk to - noone else will listen. I just want to sit and be hugged and cry and cry and cry until I fall asleep, because I am exhausted.

I know I seriously need to revise but I can't help but feel I'll fail anyway, so why bother? All I can think about is cutting again. Now with boyfriend away, I'll have the time to myself. If I could just find a place which sells old-fashioned blades...

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Random Musings

2007-05-13T21:46:27+02:00

I just rediscovered this account after two years and thought I'd write.

Thinking about life since then, it's amazing how some things have changed enormously, and some not at all. I haven't taken a single day off "sick" since June last year, and I left the job at the evil big four firm... to work for another evil big four firm. Most importantly, though, I have a boyfriend.

I know it's terribly unfeminist to rank this factor so highly, but I honestly believe that he's the reason for my turnaround in attitude. While I still suck at work due to some remarkably dumb, small mistakes which have had terrible consequences, I am at least going to work these days.

Despite my hatred of London, we are moving there in a few months, once I get a job sorted out. He is utterly supportive of everything I do, and the first person in my life to say "It's ok to feel how you feel" and actually make me feel like a non-crazy person. At the same time, he's so perfect he makes me feel completely undeserving, but by no fault of his own.

I don't seem to have any friends anymore. I've driven everyone away with my drinking - no I'm not a wake-up-and-have-a-vodka kinda gal, but every time I go out, I get wrecked and cry about anything and everything. As a result, people have slowly become vague about arranging nights out; my sister will only let certain friends (who already know I'm a nightmare, and whom she doesn't really like) come out with us. Furthermore, my boyfriend is suddenly unwilling for us to go out with his rugby friends anymore.

I tried the prozac option for a while, and I think it made my drunken behaviour less awful, but I can never remember to take pills - thank god my contraceptive is injected!

My birthday was a big kick in the teeth. After quitting alcohol for a fortnight due to a low-carb diet, and changing my drink of choice to the less palatable G&T, I found that I just wasn't drinking as much. I shared this info with my birthday buddy, before drinking two bottles of Cava and catching my hair alight. This could have been laughed off (and was with some friends) as good old British girl drunken capers had I not continued my downward spiral on the journey home. I decided to tell my boyfriend, in front of his best friend, my sister and her friend, that he was an idiot for being with me, and why didn't he go and find someone thin and pretty and sane. All of this walking down Oxford Street and crying my eyes out, occasionally walking into the road, with some degree of intent.

As well as this, looking at some photos from the night, I was clearly having a heated discussion with a girl I know through my birthday buddy, because the look on my face was close to tears. I had to delete the photo because I knew I'd torture myself trying to figure out what the hell I'd said to her, whilst being too afraid to actually ask her.

I really don't know why I keep doing this. Admittedly, I like the feeling of being drunk, that is, before the tears start, but surely everyone who drinks on a Saturday night likes that feeling? I just don't know when to stop. And god forbid someone suggest to me that it's time to slow down - that'll get me heading for the triples before you can say "Jack Daniel's".

The parents splitting up hasn't helped. Everything just seems so sordid - my mother spending an entire evening dancing with a male friend, leading to a physical argument resulting in a nasty black eye and mum disappearing for three days. The next stage was dad sleeping with a 23 year old, getting punched by my maternal uncle's best friend, and being accused of having had an affair for 10 years.

Top off the family embarrassment with the fact that my 11 year old cousin has just been expelled for dealing marijuana. Is it any wonder I'm such a navel-gazing nutter, with the craziness that surrounds me? But in that case, why are my brother and sister such well-adjusted, popular achievers? It makes me think that there's got to be something chemical going on - which leads us back to my happy green pills. Maybe it's about time I grew up and actually stuck at something, even if it is just a chemical escape - at least it'll make me more tolerable.

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still trying to find my voice....

2005-05-29T01:06:31+02:00

oh god i'm a horrible person. i am insanely envious of one of my best friends. she is so sweet and so nice and i am wishing that the wonderful things happening in her life be taken from her and given to me. well now i've got your attention, i'll explain...

i'm on the verge of being sacked from my job at an evil big four accounting firm. she has just been selected to go and take part in a conference in philadelphia which will culminate in spending a weekend in new york. i have not had a boyfriend in over a year. she is currently in birmingham with this fairly fit bloke that she met when we went there last weekend.

i really really hate myself for this but i hate her for it all! almost enough to ruin it. so, if you know somebody in birmingham with a boyfriend called john who works for woolworths, has a shaved head and is 32 then tell her that he's currently out (or back home) shagging an accountant from down south.

hey don't judge me! statistically speaking, if you look at the number of readers i've had, the number of locations this site covers, the number of people called john in birmingham and the likelihood that he was telling the truth about where he works (ooh - actually scrap that, noone's going to pretend they work at woolies when they're on the pull, unless they're using access to the pick n mix as a deal clincher) then all i'm really doing is sending it out to the universe and letting them deal with it.

after all he does have a girlfriend. and she knows how i feel about that - no attached men, number one rule. even it weren't for the whole thing that it makes you a skanky ho to mess with someone else's boyfriend/husband (that's especially you, irish tax secretary who has pulled two married partners at work dos in the past year!) but also there's got to be a bit of self-preservation. messing around like that can result in the following:

1. a black eye and a cliched "keep your hands off my man!" moment. (tip - if you find your other half cheating, do not use this line. you will come to regret it, i'm sure)

2. picture this: hot guy leaves girlfriend for first sexy young thing he sees wiggling her hips on the dancefloor... guy leaves sexy young thing for woman who has just joined his workplace... guy leaves colleague for edie britt type character next door. an amusing montage i'm sure, with shirley bassey bellowing "just a little bit of history repeating" in the background.

of course there are exceptions. if you had your eye on him first and some strumpet comes along, beds him and proceeds to tell the entire workplace just how much he's out of proportion with his 6ft4" frame, she absolutely has it coming! (hi to tracey at h** &c**** by the way!)

well sorry if i'm starting to sound a bit like a big brother contestant with my ranting and bitching but unfortunately, there's nobody to talk back to here... and that is an invitation! if you'd like me to stop whining, or if you think there is a topic on which i might not have an opinion, come and challenge me!

oh and ciara honey, you deserve the best, x

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she's a black magic woman

2005-05-20T23:45:12+02:00

my mother has this exceptional ability to tell when i'm bunking off, even when she's in another country. actually, i only ever bunk off when she's in another country, but that's beside the point.

all of the evidence she has is circumstancial. i told ellie to "come home" - as it happened, i told her this on wednesday night, at a time when i was home. also, it's my home too; why would i tell someone to "go home" to my home?

also, telling ellie to come home at all is evidence, even though, again, it happened the night before when i hadn't even decided to take the day off!

ellie and i spent half of yesterday checking the house for hidden cameras but to no avail!

i'm so excited about tomorrow actually. going out for spanish food, to see girls aloud and then on to the works clubbing! just really really hope ellie's i.d. is accepted without any trouble!

also awaiting some kind of confrontation from the parents re my skiving, so will suddenly find myself busy all weekend long (might even invite phil back to watch tv!) so as not to be alone with them at any time!

i figured the best thing is to head over to the library and study as much as possible - alternatively use the free internet facilities (do they have those in darkest wiltshire?) and write write write! apparently some professors use blogs to document their research; maybe i could use it to document my revision? that might actually turn out to be more boring to read about than my life!

have discovered another new direction for my highly addictive personality - sudoku. apparently i'm like a year late catching on but it is absolutely obsession-causing. and thankfull it's got me through a boring week (well, four days anyway) of college. anything's got to be better than costing and net present values. but keep tuning in if you want my insights into ACCA 2.4 - how and why?

going to spend some qt with lil sis now, before the parents get back and i have to start the big hide! just need to leave the house early, get my hair done, not get back til ciara's arrived and then head on up to birmingham! it'll take some skilful coordination but hey i'm up for a challenge!

wish me luck!!

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oops i did it again!

2005-05-19T11:27:33+02:00

day off sick. didn't wake up properly until 7:45 and i couldn't face going in late for the fourth time this week.

ellie's coming home due to yesterday's french and treadmill incidents. thank god no norma today though, i just can't lie to that woman. she'd ask me why i wasn't at work and i'd have this perfectly constructed excuse and i'd just say "i called in sick cos i couldn't get out of bed."

not being able to get out of bed would be considered a huge thing in some families. in the shared house i lived in, i remember kate telling anna that anna couldn't really be depressed because she could still get out of bed in the morning. well guys, i'm not really sure if it's the fear of another day or the fear of getting sacked (and my dad finding out) that creates this lump in my stomach that keeps me hidden under the covers.

oh my god i'm a whinger aren't i? more positively, i'm anticipating a girly afternoon today. we'll sit down and pretend to revise and watch rubbish on tv like pimp my ride and newlyweds.

well i kinda slowed to a halt there... writer's block on day 2. but i'll be back

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well this is weird!

2005-05-19T00:18:58+02:00

i collect diaries. well, not intentionally, and probably not even diaries in particular, but there are so many beautiful/functional/over-priced/antique notebooks lying around my rooms, it's getting ridiculous. each has a few over-dramatic days documented and then maybe what i ate on some random day three years later. or what i'm going to do to fix my money problems.

so anyway, i guess one of my favourites is the funny old book mark and i bought on a market in paris. the idea was that we would paste all our photos and memorabilia from the trip onto the pages, but we forgot about it for about a year, and then split up.

most recently (still empty) a lovely one from mulberry - thought mum was being thoughtful, in reality she has a stash of "presents for last-minute birthdays/christmas." so, as dad was the one who bought the sat nav, and ellie chose the jewellery, i take it she's still not over the whole 72 hour labour thing, 23 years on.

i know, i'm being childish. but i'm feeling childish at the moment, ok? it's sad enough to be still living at home (see above for money problems) but when they keep swanning off to spain it gets kind of lonely. and since the fight with two of my schoolfriends, my entire social life seems to be in different counties. alright for this weekend (yay birmingham - old haunts!) but in the week, it's kind of just me and my sky plus. but hey, isn't home and away getting dark???

so today i managed to learn... absolutely nothing. other than the fact that boys look bad in powder blue hoodies. i slept half the morning and played suduko in the independent all afternoon. i actually suck at that. but i'm learning - powder blue boy is teaching me. and powder blue is better than white with a matching baseball cap. and besides, emma said that wardrobes can be altered. i guess i'm just too lazy for that. and could i ever really find a man who accepts my bad australian soap obsession (i'll keep the gilmore girls a secret, there has to be some mystery) as easily as my dad accepted mum's eastenders/corrie obsession? i doubt it.

i'm worried ellie's gcse's are messing her up a bit. she texted me today to say that she'd be coming home for the rest of the week because she had fallen asleep in her french exam and also on the treadmill. now exams i can understand (i slept through my latin gcse - exhausting water fight beforehand) but how on earth do you fall asleep on a treadmill? you know what, i think the no crisps, sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks diet has finally hit her. especially as saturday was her birthday, i.e. day off. the diet coke and chicken and thyme sensations flowed like... um... wine? unlike the wine, which she still doesn't think that much of. sometimes i miss the days of alcohol that tasted like panda pops, your tongue was a whole lot less hairy in the morning.

anyway, signing off on my first day, and hoping this doesn't go the way of all the other diaries

night, x

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