my first blog

I'm not speaking to my Dad. His behaviour of late... shagging a 23-year-old, promising to stop seeing her, and then continuing to do so; manipulating everyone around him and playing people off against each other; clubbing together with my sister to tell me just how shit I am... is absolutely repulsive.

I appreciate that everyone who goes through a divorce will behave like a child, but he isn't even doing that. He's become a nasty, slimy character.

I went to dinner with him last week for my cousin's birthday. She works with him, so there were a number of work-related people there.

Dad spend the whole evening flirting with his friend's 19-year-old daughter, which I pulled him up on, teasingly, when we were alone. The next thing I know, his friend is making lewd comments at me. I really don't want to mix with people who think that this kind of behaviour is ok.

My sister has taken this on as her latest cause. She and Dad have always worked on the "Becca's fucked up; Becca's a constant disappointment; Becca's an embarrassment" principle together.

On Friday night, my Dad was being cagey about who he was with. On Saturday night, he turned up at midnight with my brother's school trunk and just dumped it in my room. I had a bratty outburst (outbursts are very very common in my family) of "Oh I can't wait to move to London and get out of here".

He sent me a text later that night saying how sad he was that he had raised someone so rude and ungrateful. It just drove me so mad that he'd made such a big thing over a stupid little outburst, that I responded saying it made me sad, his behaviour lately.

Basically a text argument ensued and I told him I didn't want to have anything to do with him.

He and my sister have now decided that I'm not speaking to him because I'm "embarrassed" about my behaviour that night. Noone will accept that it's because I'm horrified and upset by the way he's been acting lately.

My sister came into my room tonight to basically tell me that I was a useless waste of space, that my boyfriend was a prick (he's cooled off on being friendly toward her because he's angry with the way she's been treating me), and that Dad was livid with me for not speaking to him over the trunk. Oh my god!

Then she refused to leave my room when I said how I felt: that every conversation we have results in me feeling unhappy; that I wasn't interested in what she had to say.

I just can't bear to be around these people anymore. Everything is so seedy, and I'm made to feel like a leper for simply wanting people to be friendly, and respectful of each other's feelings and space.

There are 23 days left until I leave this house, and all I can do is lie as low as possible until it's over.

And it's only doubts that we're counting
On fingers broken long ago
I read with every broken heart we should become
More adventurous
And if you banish me from your profits
And if I get banished from the kingdom up above
I'd sacrifice money and heaven all for love
Let me be loved, let me be loved

And if my brain quits, well I guess then that's just it
And if my hands stop working you can call me lazy
And if I get pregnant, I guess I'll just have the baby
Let it be loved, let me be loved

I've been trying to nod my head, but it's like I've got a broken neck
Wanting to say I will as my last testament
For me to be saved and you to be brave
We don't have to walk down that aisle
'Cause if marriage ain't enough
Well at least we'll be loved

I felt the wind on my cheek coming down from the east
And thought about how we are all as numerous as leaves on trees
And maybe ours is the cause of all mankind
Give love to make more, try to stay alive

I've been trying to nod my head, but it's like I've got a broken neck
Wanting to say I will as my last testament
For you to be saved and me to be brave
We don't have to walk down that aisle
'Cause if marriage ain't enough
Well at least we'll be loved

Rilo Kiley.

My mother is driving me insane tonight. She has come into my room no less than 8 times, looking for something sweet to eat, knowing full well that I'm low-carbing and don't keep sweet stuff around.

She eventually homed in on my boyfriend's marshmallows, ran off with the packet, and then returned an hour later with three of them clutched in her hand, saying she couldn't eat anymore.

a) why the hell can't I just be left in peace?

b) she's the biggest binge-eater ever. How come she couldn't just bloody eat the last three?

c) why would I want three marshmallows, which had been all squashed in her hands?

I'm really counting down the days until 27 July, when I'm moving out!

Well, I just had a fabulously successful party! Ok, sales weren't the best, but I managed to sell off a considerable amount of my old stock - only cost was buying new Buzz Fresh Wipes!

Apparently, on my extremely drunken birthday, I told boyfriend's best friend that he may need to prepare a best man's speech within a year. This resulted in the most gentle chastising imaginable from boyfriend, who'd clearly had to fend off the interrogation for most of the evening.

Why can't I just shut up? What part of my brain told me that George would be remotely happy or supportive? If moving to London means we'll spend more time with him then what a fucking nightmare.

The last thing I need is someone convincing Patrick he shouldn't be with me. If that happened, I'd be back on the downward spiral without a doubt. Yeah he'd be better off with someone sane, but wasn't I yelling that at him that night?

My sister almost ran me over last night. I thought she was actually going to do it. Mum was heading off to see the boyfriend, again, and Ellie announced that she would follow Mum wherever she went and embarrass her. Mum employed my help to try and talk some sense into her, but she refused to talk to me and, when I stood in front of the car, drove it into me.

Boyfriend is only support through all this, but he has finals next week, then I have finals, then we're going on holiday separately and not seeing each other for two weeks. I'm desperately trying not to be a drain on him but I'm like the human leech at the moment, and there really is noone else I can talk to - noone else will listen. I just want to sit and be hugged and cry and cry and cry until I fall asleep, because I am exhausted.

I know I seriously need to revise but I can't help but feel I'll fail anyway, so why bother? All I can think about is cutting again. Now with boyfriend away, I'll have the time to myself. If I could just find a place which sells old-fashioned blades...